SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Big- yes, I have a deadline. It coincides with what is best for my kids but it is reasonable.

Nuke- somehow you know my post Dday timeline better than my therapist! The answers that she provided yesterday made most of my other questions much less important. None of those answers can fix what’s broken. So I’m pulling back. Not pursuing conversation, not hoping for a miracle. I have her health and the kids’ best interests in mind and my deadline is tied to those things.

Financially, I’m lucky enough to have a very good understanding of what we have, what we owe, etc. Our kids are adults, but there is still college/grad school tuition and other big ticket items, but that is just moving the numbers around and splitting things fairly.

Some Guy- I don’t want to punish her, I recognize now that she’s always been a bullshitter. I just loved her and let most of her nonsense go unnoticed because you’re supposed to trust and respect your wife. My mistake, but at this point I feel bad for her. She’s obviously more impulsive and unhappy than I’ve ever known.

As for embarrassment, I’m sure she’s worried about that, and you’re right, that’s her problem. What worries me is the effect of the affair details on our kids. I think they’ve known us as a pretty close couple (I thought so too!) and I worry such a crazy story will damage their outlook on the relationships that they have.
My research tells me not to tell the kids (21 and 24) any details unless they are asking for details. At the same time I want the kids to know that I didn’t just flake out and leave her. I also want to let her family know some of the details, not as punishment but as a way to let them know what she is capable of since they will be the ones keeping and eye on her.

Sorry for the long posts. The advice around here is useful.

I learned of my father’s infidelity as an adult. I was a little older than your kids (I was 31). I thought they had a perfect marriage, at the time. They were closing in on their 50th. My own experience is that it had no impact whatsoever on my (or my sisters’, for that matter) views on relationships in general. The massive impact then, and the one I’m still feeling now 20-odd years later, is having to rewrite my understanding of my father, who went from the person I most admired to someone I can barely muster any respect for. But - and I want to stress this - most of the damage, or at least the worst of it, was done after it all came out. My mom handled it all with grace and aplomb. Dad did not, which was astounding since it really was entirely his fault.

So that’s my take on your kids. The key will be how each of you handles the situation. You seem like you have both feet planted firmly on the ground, so I feel like you’re going to be able navigate it with class. Your WW, on the other hand, is a bullshitter and supremely selfish, reminding me of Pops. He tried that strategy and worked out really, really badly for him.

Our marriage counselor wants to figure out why it happened. I’m not sure I care now. It happened because she wanted it to happen. She pursued it. She probably pushed the relationship too hard with this guy and that’s why he broke it off with her. She’s more of a stranger to me now.

First, that's not your Marriage Counselor's job to figure out. This is for your WW's Individual Counselor to assist your WW in learning what lead her to make her choices. If the MC is also your WW's IC then refuse to meet with the MC again. If interested get another MC that can assist in the dissolution of the marriage. Or save some money and just let the lawyers do the work. Your WW's issues are no longer your concern. The answer to the MC's question, of course, is in your above statement. Just like you, the 20-year+ combined history, your thoughts and feelings were of no concern to your WW when she was in her affair- only her base feelings of lust and desire mattered to her. Tell them both that you hope WW finally figures it out so maybe the WW can have a future relationship. But it will be with another man, not you. Your marriage was not a dress rehearsal for something else.

Second, look forward to the future with some hope and excitement. Yeah, you may have to fake it for awhile. Putting on the fake smile and sunny optimism for others that you're not quite feeling inside. If you haven't yet, take off your wedding ring (hopefully that's been done already in the past month.) Start doing some new and fun things you always wanted to do in your life. Make future travel plans. Sign up for cooking classes or a wine or bourbon tasting course. Join a runners group or triathlon group and make completing one a goal in life for you. If you haven't had a mid-life crisis yet, no better time to have one than now. Singles dance class? Foreign language class? The options are unlimited. Fine tune your body in the gym, have the glow-up-- change your hairstyle and get an all-new updated wardrobe. Start doing some fun things on a consistent basis by yourself and pretty soon your WW will just be another somebody that you used to know.

Absolutely refuse to be the stereotypical divorced 50-something year man wallowing alone in the house. You will not let that happen! Your life is about to get a lot better LFH, it's going to be different and not what you planned for but it will be better and you're not going to have to deal with your WW's bs much longer. Believe it, and start acting like it. And don't be surprised when the new, younger women start to come around seeing if they can be a part of it.

I’ll lead with this: I personally wouldn’t reconcile in your position, but to play devil’s advocate on the point you’re stuck on, let’s get pragmatic. It is clear from what you've described that you were the second choice. You would have to live with that. No amount of soft-pedaling changes the fact that if given the choice, she rather be sleeping with him. She was will to hurt you to sleep with this guy. However, does being "second" actually matter in the long run? Being a backup choice isn't a reflection of your inherent worth; it’s a reflection of someone else’s subjective, and often flawed, judgment at a specific moment in time.

Life doesn’t maintain a permanent leaderboard. The way you enter a situation matters significantly less than how you occupy the space once you’re there. The door is open now, and the opportunity in front of you is functionally identical to what it would have been had you been the first name on the list. Once you do the work, show your character, and build a life, that initial "ranking" evaporates into ancient history. Many of the most successful partnerships and projects started as a "Plan B" but became indispensable.

I'm sure many people who've reconciled have accepted this reality and are still making a good go of it. Though Id suspect many more people chose to rationalize this fact is some way or hide from it.

The real hurdle isn't her ranking—it’s your own internal compass. Can you live with this reality? Can your self-respect accommodate this history, and can your principles bend enough to keep your life from changing, or will the weight of being "second" eventually break the foundation? Take the win if you want it, but only if you can leave the "why" behind.

Personally I would leave her because I don't think a 5 year affair is even in the same ball park as forgivable, like I find even the thought of reconciling under those circumstances to be so inconceivable in line with my own self worth and principles, it would make my head spin... that being said if you're leaving because you were second choice, I'm not sure that's enough.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 12:12 PM, Tuesday, April 7th]

Frankly I would tell the kids irrespective of your eventual decision. After all – they know their mom tried to top herself recently. If you decide to divorce, then something like this. If not, then remove the part about divorce:

Your mom/my wife had an affair with NAME OF OM HERE starting xxxx and on-and-off for about five years. Although I wasn’t aware of it until recently, there caused tension in our relationship while it was ongoing, and upon discovery it has come to a peak. I have reached the conclusion that I’m not comfortable with remaining married to her, and have decided to divorce. That is my decision based on a lot of time and contemplation. This isn’t decided in a hurry nor in anger.
I do not want nor expect you to take sides and I remind you that this is your mother and deserves your support. You can give her support without condoning her past actions. This is an issue between me and her, but in light of her attempted suicide I would appreciate whatever support you can give her.